Your Question
How much sex is too much? I am 23 and my boyfriend is 35, and he has the physique of a 19 or 20 year old. He is a bit voyeuristic which I find exciting, but he wants me all of the time… Should I be concerned about this, or not?
My Answer
I If you’re enjoying the attention and the sex, why should you be concerned? If he wants you far more than you want him and he forces you against your will, you’ve got a problem. If it’s mutual, why the worry? There are so many women complaining that their boyfriends or husbands seem to have lost their lusty desire for them. Appreciate what you have. As my friend and colleague Dr. Marty Klein always points out, there’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex. If you’re both happy, count your blessings and stop concerning yourself with unnecessary ideas.
Hope this helps!
Your Question
I am 21 years old and am in a wonderful relationship with an excellent guy. Unfortunately, when we make love it seems that it takes him longer than usual. Can you tell me how long is ‘normal’ for sex? Also, sometimes sex is uncomfortable for me. Should I consider using a lubricant? How do I tell this to my boyfriend? (I tend to be a bit shy about sex.) Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
My Answer
We all have different needs, and there is no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex as long as it’s consensual and safe. Some women like sex a long time, others not long. Often if the man likes to have intercourse a long time, it’s easy for the woman to dry up a bit, especially if condoms are used. Before I address your ‘shyness’, let me just say that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with keeping a stash of your favorite lube nearby. We all need it from time to time, and if it means you get to enjoy the sex better, you’ll BOTH be happy for it!
There are many types of lube available. There are waterbased lubes, which are also compatible with condoms – just watch out for glycerine. This is a sugar and can bring yeast infections in women who are prone to them. Then there are silicone-based lubes which are very long-lasting because they do not get absorbed and stay slick. However, they are NOT compatible with silicone toys. Another ingredient to avoid is non-oxynol 9, a spermicide that can cause irritation in some women.
Some of the preferred brands are:
In water-based lubes, Sliippery Stuff, Astro Glide, Liquid Silk and Maximus. For silicone based lubes, there is Eros and I.D. Lube.
And remember: we gals are still given subtle messages about how we should be good girls, and when we ask for something in bed, it’s like admitting we like sex, and then we’re bad girls! We’ve got to fight that! Not only is it our right to have a happy, fulfilling sex life, but men usually appreciate a woman who knows what she likes and needs and wants and can actually speak up and ask for what we need or make suggestions. It saves him the trouble of guessing or making mistakes.
Also, if the sex hurts, just ask him to stop a while and do something else. We often forget that there are so many wonderful things to do besides intercourse. Get into sharing fantasies, talk to each other during sex, get him to tell you his favorite fantasy. I bet that’ll get him to come sooner! And remember, if you don’t learn to ask for what you need, you’ll never get it! Good luck!
Hope this helps!
Posted in: Ask Candida Archive