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Your Question

What is the best way to introduce my husband of 16 yrs to sex toys? We have a hot sex life, are best friends and are deeply in love, but have never used them. I have trouble climaxing at times with just intercourse alone. He loves trying new positions and is very playful. I guess I’m apprehensive because I don’t want him to think he doesn’t please me. I plan to purchase your video for starters. Thanks.

My Answer

Congratulations on having and maintaining such a wonderful marriage! 16 years and still best friends, in love, and having great sex! You are either very fortunate, very good at relationships, or most likely, both!

Many women are concerned about making their men feel “left out” when introducing sex toys, which is why I write about this in my book (“How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do”). But before I discuss that, I want to respond to your comment about having “trouble climaxing at times with just intercourse alone”. Roughly 70% of women do not climax through intercourse alone. Most of us need direct clitoral stimulation. Due to a variety of cultural pressures, common myths and a desire to make their man feel good, many women feel pressured to climax through intercourse alone. This is burdensome and unneccessary. Rejoice in the love and passion you both obviously enjoy and then have fun finding all the different ways you can climax with your man, whether it’s through reaching down with your hand and stimulating your clitorous during intercourse, or having him do it, or having him orally pleasure you or using a vibrator on you…the possibilities are endless and fun to explore.

Now on to introducing sex toys in to your relationship, or as I describe it in my book, “Introducing Toys and Allaying the Fragile Male Ego”. First, suggest it as a fun toy for both of you to play with. And there are so many ways you can both “play” with your new toy. You can pleasure yourself while he watches or plays with himself or, with some vibes, is inside you; he can use it on you; you can use it on him; and, if he’s so inclined, he can use it on himself! Be sure to point out that it’s the fact that you’re playing with your chosen toy together that makes it so exciting. If he feels like he’s an integral part of this new form of play, he shouldn’t feel left out and/or threatened. The point is, be sure to introduce it as something new and fun for both of you. It’s not a replacement for him, it’s not because he doesn’t satisfy you, it’s something in addition for both of you to play with. If he feels confident in your love and desire for him, which it sure sounds like he should, then anything that brings added fun and pleasure to your lovemaking should make him happy. And the fact that you’re experiencing so much pleasure should also make him feel very good, whether it’s his penis, his tongue, his hands, or a toy he uses on you, or you use on yourself while playing together!

One you might start with is one of my Natural Contours vibrators that sits on the woman’s pubic bone for direct clitoral stimulation. This way he can be inside you while you use it on yourself. The Petit and the Supurbe can be used like this. The Magnfique and the Liberte can also be used this way and offer the added possibility of being used for penetration. The tiny waterproof Jolie can also be used this way, but be forewarned that it has a very strong vibration which may be too much for you if you haven’t used a vibrator yet.

Hope this helps!

Posted in: Ask Candida Archive