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Your Question

I very much enjoyed your advice in “How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do,” and I’m writing about one of your points re: dirty talk. You mentioned a guy’s dirty talk can be informative because it reveals what turns him on.

Well, I’m in a fairly new relationship and we haven’t had sex yet but we recently started having phone sex. In his dirty talk he describes me as a “bad girl” and really seems to get off on that idea. The trouble is, I don’t know how to play into that fantasy for him, on the phone OR in person. I’m in my late ‘30’s — hardly a girl — and have only slept with 2 guys. Even though I lack lots of experience, I don’t think of sex as a “bad” thing. I don’t know how to make it sound like I do.


My Answer

Fantasies are tricky things…you either have them or you don’t; a particular fantasy either turns you on or it doesn’t. This man is giving you a glimpse into his sexual turn ons. I would think that at this early stage you should be honest about your feelings and what turns you on. Sounds like you’re both getting familiar with each other in a pretty low-pressure, low-risk way. May as well take advantage of it. Maybe he’s just feeling you out. He may have found that a lot of women he’s been with have that fantasy and maybe he’s trying to see if you do. He’s clearly trying to see how you respond to it. So be honest.You might simply tell him you’ve never had that sort of fantasy and don’t know quite how to respond to it. You might find that he has plenty of other fantasy ‘games’ he likes to play that are more to your liking. That said, if he does seem to be stuck on that one scenario, wouldn’t it be better to find out now rather than once you get more entangled in each other’s lives?

The ‘bad girl’ fantasy has little to do with how old you are or whether you’ve really been a bad girl or not. These sorts of fantasies have little to do with ones reality, in fact they often have nothing to do with ones reality. Hence the word, ‘fantasy’. Rather than trying to analyze why he has it or why you don’t have it, better to try and get to know each other as you’re doing. This is the perfect time to find out whether you should indeed be investing a lot of time and emotional involvement in to a relationship with this person. I think it’s difficult to try and fit oneself in to someone else’s sexual fantasy if it doesn’t come naturally to you. Sometimes a person finds them self involved with someone who they come to realize has an entire sexual fantasy world that’s completely different from their own. Often we’re too fearful to disclose our secret sexual scripts to our loved one for fear of rejection so we hide it until we’re emotionally involved. At that point it becomes more difficult to deal with, more emotionally painful as we try to figure out how to cope with this situation. Some find they’re willing to try and indulge their partner’s sexual needs for the sake of the relationship, others find they simply can’t and fear emotional loss. You’re getting to know about this person’s sexual fantasies early on. Consider yourself lucky.

Be honest now. Maybe you’ll find that exploring a fantasy you never had does begin to turn you on. But if it doesn’t, and if he’s not able to get as turned on without that fantasy, than you may not have the best sexual match.

Hope this helps!

Posted in: Ask Candida Archive