Your Question
When I’m alone I can masturbate to the point of having wonderful orgasms. However, during sex I have never been able to have one. I’ve tried using my fingers but the sensations that I get from a vibrator are much stronger. Oral sex also does not help me cum. Do you have any sugesstions? This is very frustrating!
My Answer
It often happens that the way we learn to masturbate remains the best and sometimes only way we can cum. So why not just pull out your trusty vibrator during sex play with your partner? I know some women are self-conscious about masturbating in front of their lover or pulling out their favorite sex toy, but if the guy is confident in himself and in your desire for him, he’s usually happy to help you in what ever it takes. The creative part is coming up with a way to make him feel included. Maybe show him how to hold it on you? Or let him put his fingers inside you and do some exploring while you use the vibrator on yourself, which can take your orgasms to an even greater height by stimulating that sensitive little area inside known as the g-spot.
If you’d like to explore other ways to climax, you can always consult a sex therapist who might be able to introduce you to new sensations by teaching you a process called “sensate focus” where you spend time with your lover just touching and rediscovering sensations you’d forgotten. But if you’re happy with your vibrator and your lover doesn’t feel left out, bring it on out. As long as you’re both getting satisfaction together, who cares how it’s achieved?
Hope this helps!
Your Question
I would like to know if it’s normal for women to have orgasm through basic intercourse without other sources of stimulation. In almost all XXX movies, and R rated movies I see women having orgasms without any effort.
My Answer
Surprising to many, most women, roughly 70% according to statistics I’ve read, do not have orgasms through intercourse alone. Most women need direct stimulation of the clitoris in order to reach orgasm. Many women experience more powerful orgasms when they receive both clitoral stimulation and stimulation of the G-spot, a small area just inside the vagina (see Dr. Beverly Whipple’s book, “The G-Spot”) that can be better reached with your (or your partner’s) fingers, or one of the many products designed to stimulate the g-spot. However, only a relatively small percentage of women can achieve orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. Remember, movies are fantasy, and while I attempt to portray more accurate depiction’s of mutual pleasuring between couples in my Femme movies, few directors care about accuracy.
Hope this helps!
Your Question
Wondering if it is possible to “teach” yourself to have an orgasm. I have been having sex for 8 years now, and have never had an orgasm.
P.S. I am a female, in good health, and my Dr. has assured me that there is no physical reason for my problem.
My Answer
It is indeed possible to “teach” yourself how to have an orgasm. The first thing I would ask you is if you masturbate. Masturbating helps a woman discover how she likes to be touched, what sort of physical stimulation she needs have an orgasm, and what sorts of fantasies she likes and can help her get to that level of excitement. Reading sexy books or looking at sexy movies (like my Femme line!) can help you get in touch with your fantasies.
Next, it’s important that you learn to communicate your needs to your partner. They can’t read our minds, so we need to help them figure it out! Whether that be by telling or showing them, which could mean masturbating in front of them or placing their hand where you need them to touch you.
You are probably one of the 70% of women who don’t climax through intercourse alone. Perfectly “normal”! So you need to have direct clitoral stimulation either by reaching down and doing it yourself with your hand, which can even be done during intercourse if you’re in the right position; having your partner manually stimulate you with his hand; having your partner perform oral sex on you; or by using a vibrator.
If you are too timid to communicate your needs to your partner, you need to address your feelings and find out what’s holding you back. I talk about this a lot in my book (How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do). Very often we are inhibited by fears of being judged by our partners. The old “good girl, bad girl” stigma is still well and alive today! If we show our partner that we know a thing or two he might think we’ve “been around”. Or perhaps you’re afraid of offending him, making him feel inadequate. Men too are saddled with outdated expectations and grow up thinking men are supposed to be the all-knowing lovers who automatically know what is good for us!
Hope this helps!
Posted in: Ask Candida Archive